It's finally cold this morning. I'm talking about pulling the covers way up to your chin and trying really hard not to have to get out of bed. I even considered calling in, yeah right. I had the most unproductive day yesterday as it was, I don't think I could get away with that today. I'm really on top of getting ready for storytime this season. I had way too many close calls in the past, I suppose. Now I just need to get Karen to approve my flyer.

Tonight is Bachelor night and Carmen is coming over here, which will probably delight Josh and piss him off all at the same time. Delight him because he won't have to watch it, and piss him off because I'm stealing his wife away for a couple of hours. I can't say much though, Doug is resentful of my watching it as well.

Things with Doug have been really good lately. I don't know what's going on with that, but whatever it is, I'm happy. I hope it stays like this for awhile.

Here's a couple of links to things I really like right now...

An excellent book I recently read.

New perfume that I am coveting.

I hope you like them too. Time to get ready for work now.

What a difference a vacation makes. He's been on vacation for the last week. Today is actually the last day of it, and he goes back to work tomorrow. Things have been so much better this week, I don't know what to do anymore. Even the drinking session we had was nothing like the ones in the past. Of course, I was being a little more forceful this time around. I let him know from the get go if he thought he was going to yell or throw a tantrum or whatever, I was going to leave. It's too bad he couldn't be on vacation and already moved, then it would have been a truly perfect week.

So things had improved marginally, only to turn around and get so much worse than they have ever been. The bad part is that I know this is quickly becoming a situation I probably need to get myself out of. But how do I do that? I love him and the thought of having to say those words to him breaks my heart. But I guess it would be better to have my heart broken this way rather than something far worse. How can I keep putting myself through this? The yelling alone is more than I should have ever put up with. I was telling a friend about our latest weekend adventure and she said that it sounds like an abusive relationship. I know there are several kinds of abuse, and the thought has certainly crossed my mind, but it's hard to hear from someone else. I have my mind half made up to do it. I know I'm going to chicken out about 8000 times though before it actually happens.

Two Days Later

I haven't talked to him since our brief conversation on Monday. I tried calling last night on my break and when I got home, but no answer. And no return phone call. Why do you think that might be? It's probably nothing. He probably worked late again, which considering it's raining today makes sense. I'm sure he wanted to get as much done yesterday as he could. He told me that if he gets his job finished this week then he gets to take vacation next week. Which is great for him, not so great for me. I have maybe 2 days that I could take off next week and they are not together. Not to mention that he may not even want me to take any days off with him. And I'm certainly not going to take them off for myself. I can save my vacation time for something better than that. Oh well, I'm probably overreacting. I'm really good at that. He'll probably call tonight and everything will be just fine and I'll be reassured.

Carmen's right. I only write when I'm not happy. It really isn't that I am terribly unhappy, it's just that things aren't going my way, I guess. At least not the way I had hoped they would six months into this. Of course, who am I to talk? I didn't think we'd make it to six weeks, much less six months. I truly do love this man, more than I have loved anyone in a long time and I know that he loves me too, but sometimes I just have to wonder. I am afraid that wondering is a bad thing though. Does wondering mean that I don't have enough faith to make this work? And why don't I have faith? I could explain it away with all of my previous failed attempts at relationships, but something tells me that is not all of it. Maybe I'm just too anxious and impatient. Maybe I want more than what he is willing to give. Is it so bad to think of the future? Is it really so awful that I do want to get married and have children within the next few years? I'm 24 years old already. One of my best friends just had her second child and another is pregnant with her second baby. These girls have been married for going on 3 years now. And where am I? Still living with my parents, trying to pay off my bills and hoping that this is what I have been looking for all this time. Is this too much to ask?